Feel Your Feels and Fuck It All Off

I’m not good at feeling my feelings. I haven’t done it for a really long time. As they say the best thing about sobriety is getting your feelings back and the worst thing about sobriety is getting your feelings back. I’m angry a lot at the moment. I’m disappointed. I’m tired. I’m depressed. I’m anxious.Continue reading “Feel Your Feels and Fuck It All Off”

Why Am I So Desperate to Settle for Mediocre Dick?

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything on here. If I’m honest I’d lost my way a little with this blog. I’d started on one track, fell onto a different one, stepped over that one to another track and then ground to a halt somewhere I didn’t feel comfortable. I lost my way. WhichContinue reading “Why Am I So Desperate to Settle for Mediocre Dick?”

I Want To Murder People.

(cw: expletives, repeated mention of murder (non-graphic)) Honestly. I’ve been so fucking angry today. It’s 7 days before my period and my PMS is horrendous. That one week a cycle – like fucken clockwork – makes me vibrate like a Chihuahua filled with hatred. I’ll be sat on my sofa and then I’ll just standContinue reading “I Want To Murder People.”

I’ve Fucked Up

I’ve relapsed. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t any other ‘negative’ emotion. I just wanted to drink. I was doing really well. I was running again. I was engaged with AA. I was smoke free for a week and alcohol free for two weeks. I spoke to people from AA. I went toContinue reading “I’ve Fucked Up”

How To Date When You’re an Alcoholic

How do you date when you’re an alcoholic? I’ve drank and dated for years. I’ve slept with more people drunk than I have sober. In fact I haven’t had sober sex since I was 26. I’m now 30. My body count has gone up by at least 20 in that time. If not more. SoContinue reading “How To Date When You’re an Alcoholic”

Cry Me a Fucking River

7 days sober. I’m fine. I’m totally fine and I don’t mean fine as in Ross Geller two batches of Margaritas down ‘fine’. I’m. Just. Fine. If I think about my lack of swinging emotions so much then anxiety does start to bubble up. Fine, for me, is neutral. It’s just ‘it was it is’Continue reading “Cry Me a Fucking River”

Yet Another Rock Bottom

Addiction is Fucking Ugly. I’ve been drinking again. Heavily. I’ve not been sleeping. Until yesterday I hadn’t brushed my teeth in 4 days. Hadn’t showered in 6. Did it matter when I wasn’t seeing anyone? Except the Deliveroo driver, or the people in Tesco. 2m distance and all. Every morning, for the brief waking ‘sober’Continue reading “Yet Another Rock Bottom”

I’m Just Not Drinking Today

Today is the first day I’ve sat down to do some work all week. I had such a busy and strong week last week. It felt great. However, at the start of this week, I went on a bender. Two days of heavy day and night drinking. Once it ended, I was an anxious mess,Continue reading “I’m Just Not Drinking Today”