Depressive Episodes: They Always Start With Food

(tw: eating disorders, suicide) Do you know how I know I’m entering a depressive episode? I go vegan. Or low-carb. Or start weighing my food. Basically restrict my food in any way beyond my normal ‘safe’ foods. The only problem is, I don’t realise what’s happening whilst it’s happening. Baffling isn’t it? Whilst I’m weighingContinue reading “Depressive Episodes: They Always Start With Food”

Feel Your Feels and Fuck It All Off

I’m not good at feeling my feelings. I haven’t done it for a really long time. As they say the best thing about sobriety is getting your feelings back and the worst thing about sobriety is getting your feelings back. I’m angry a lot at the moment. I’m disappointed. I’m tired. I’m depressed. I’m anxious.Continue reading “Feel Your Feels and Fuck It All Off”

Why Am I So Desperate to Settle for Mediocre Dick?

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything on here. If I’m honest I’d lost my way a little with this blog. I’d started on one track, fell onto a different one, stepped over that one to another track and then ground to a halt somewhere I didn’t feel comfortable. I lost my way. WhichContinue reading “Why Am I So Desperate to Settle for Mediocre Dick?”

I Want To Murder People.

(cw: expletives, repeated mention of murder (non-graphic)) Honestly. I’ve been so fucking angry today. It’s 7 days before my period and my PMS is horrendous. That one week a cycle – like fucken clockwork – makes me vibrate like a Chihuahua filled with hatred. I’ll be sat on my sofa and then I’ll just standContinue reading “I Want To Murder People.”

I’ve Fucked Up

I’ve relapsed. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t any other ‘negative’ emotion. I just wanted to drink. I was doing really well. I was running again. I was engaged with AA. I was smoke free for a week and alcohol free for two weeks. I spoke to people from AA. I went toContinue reading “I’ve Fucked Up”

Stop Telling Me ‘You’re Not Alone’

I know. I know. I say it. Every time I write it it gives me a funny little pang. Yet I say it because so many people do, it’s banded around like the band-aid for all. Knowing someone else feels the same doesn’t make me feel any better, what so ever. Talking to someone whoContinue reading “Stop Telling Me ‘You’re Not Alone’”

“What am I doing with my life?”

(cw: a lot of f*cking swearing) Well, what the fuck are you doing with your life? I’m writing this at midnight because I can’t sleep and I have to be up at 7am to pick up a van to start my move. What am I doing with my life? Right now, I should be asleepContinue reading ““What am I doing with my life?””

Sense of Smell and Grief

(cw: Grief) I had a new experience with grief yesterday. Smell. I was having a horrible day, and social media was making it worse so I decided to step away from my phone and computer and tackle some jobs that needed doing here. For those that don’t know I am currently living in my lateContinue reading “Sense of Smell and Grief”

Cry Me a Fucking River

7 days sober. I’m fine. I’m totally fine and I don’t mean fine as in Ross Geller two batches of Margaritas down ‘fine’. I’m. Just. Fine. If I think about my lack of swinging emotions so much then anxiety does start to bubble up. Fine, for me, is neutral. It’s just ‘it was it is’Continue reading “Cry Me a Fucking River”

I’m Struggling.

Happy Inauguration Day! Finally, after 4 years of “The Donald” he is no longer president. However, we’re not out of the woods yet. Just because he’s no longer in charge doesn’t mean his brand of politics (fascism) is over. He is a product of wider problems; of racism, nationalism, and misogyny – to name justContinue reading “I’m Struggling.”