Depressive Episodes: They Always Start With Food

(tw: eating disorders, suicide) Do you know how I know I’m entering a depressive episode? I go vegan. Or low-carb. Or start weighing my food. Basically restrict my food in any way beyond my normal ‘safe’ foods. The only problem is, I don’t realise what’s happening whilst it’s happening. Baffling isn’t it? Whilst I’m weighingContinue reading “Depressive Episodes: They Always Start With Food”

Feel Your Feels and Fuck It All Off

I’m not good at feeling my feelings. I haven’t done it for a really long time. As they say the best thing about sobriety is getting your feelings back and the worst thing about sobriety is getting your feelings back. I’m angry a lot at the moment. I’m disappointed. I’m tired. I’m depressed. I’m anxious.Continue reading “Feel Your Feels and Fuck It All Off”

Why Am I So Desperate to Settle for Mediocre Dick?

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything on here. If I’m honest I’d lost my way a little with this blog. I’d started on one track, fell onto a different one, stepped over that one to another track and then ground to a halt somewhere I didn’t feel comfortable. I lost my way. WhichContinue reading “Why Am I So Desperate to Settle for Mediocre Dick?”

I’ve Fucked Up

I’ve relapsed. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t any other ‘negative’ emotion. I just wanted to drink. I was doing really well. I was running again. I was engaged with AA. I was smoke free for a week and alcohol free for two weeks. I spoke to people from AA. I went toContinue reading “I’ve Fucked Up”

Yet Another Rock Bottom

Addiction is Fucking Ugly. I’ve been drinking again. Heavily. I’ve not been sleeping. Until yesterday I hadn’t brushed my teeth in 4 days. Hadn’t showered in 6. Did it matter when I wasn’t seeing anyone? Except the Deliveroo driver, or the people in Tesco. 2m distance and all. Every morning, for the brief waking ‘sober’Continue reading “Yet Another Rock Bottom”

My Name’s Meg & I’m an Alcoholic

Sunday’s daily meditation theme on my Calm app was Loneliness. I am absolutely petrified of loneliness. I don’t mean being on my own, I mean the feeling of loneliness. Some of the places I have felt the loneliest were when I was surrounded by people. The feeling that no one notices (or cares) that you’reContinue reading “My Name’s Meg & I’m an Alcoholic”