I’m not good at feeling my feelings. I haven’t done it for a really long time. As they say the best thing about sobriety is getting your feelings back and the worst thing about sobriety is getting your feelings back.
I’m angry a lot at the moment. I’m disappointed. I’m tired. I’m depressed. I’m anxious. I’m insecure. It’s a down swoop. However one thing I’ve noticed in this down swoop is it does have little moments of clarity. The odd second there after a conversation with my sponsor, or whilst I’m eating. Usually.
This week I really want to drink on my feelings. I’ve generally been very grateful for my sobriety. Yet, this week I want to fuck it right off and just go back to the ‘easier’ life. (Swap easier for ‘numbed’) I want to try again. Maybe this time I can moderate my drinking. Maybe this time it will be different.
I feel isolated in my sobriety. I’m realising some friends I’ve made in sobriety aren’t actually a right fit. What’s different is friends I’ve made in the past, we bonded over drugs and alcohol. I never saw the incompatibility because all I saw was people who would get wrecked with me. When they made me feel shit I ignored it and knocked back another drink. In sobriety I can see clear as day that I’m the one who’s making the calls and creating the plans. It hurts.
One of my greatest fears is loneliness. I’m terrified of winding up alone. I’m shit-scared of feeling like it’s just me, and that no one cares and I’ve only got myself to blame. I used to be able to blame it on my drunk behaviour. Now I have nothing to hide behind.
Sobriety isn’t all unicorns and magic. It has really sucky moments. Like this week. I don’t want to be in Bristol. I’m regretting every life choice. Do I wish I still drank? I don’t know. The ones I used to drink with don’t invite me out anymore. Why would they? Our common ground was alcohol and I don’t do it anymore. I have the decision: do I want to continue to poison my body and destroy my mind just so I feel like I have friends?
In truth, I didn’t feel like I had friends then anyway. I know my borderline personality plays a decent role in that. Knowing and feeling are two very different things for me. My wise mind is logical, rational and can tell me the truth. However it runs concurrently with my emotional mind that sits deep in my chest and suffocates me. It’s hard to pay attention to what my rational mind is saying when I’m choking for air.
My focus is placed on the part of me that feels like it’s fighting trying to keep me alive. Which is my emotional mind. I’m in survival mode, desperate to protect myself from getting hurt and feeling that coursing abandonment.
I can’t control what other people do and I have to accept that. People will never act in the way that’s wanted. People will disappoint you and break your heart. All you can control is how you handle it. However sometimes you can’t handle it. Sometimes it’s all too much and you feel compressed and tiny and alone and like a fucking bug that doesn’t matter. Everyone else gets it. Everyone else has friends and can navigate life so much better than you.
I know that’s not true. Yet it’s all I can feel right now.
I’m not going to drink though. I could smash everything in 2 seconds, yet it could then take forever to fix. We all have another relapse in us, not all of us have another recovery.