So y’all love my chat about sex, huh?
My post about jumping in between the sheets has blown up. So seems like people love reading about getting down to it. Well, dear reader, I’ve got many more tales of my past to share with you. I promise in due course, I’ll drop many a specific storytime about my past self-destructive-drunken-man-chasing. Today, sadly, is not that day. We’re delving a little deeper on my personal relationship with sexual identity.
This sexual identity for so many years has revolved about being an ‘independent woman’. Which in reality was just me getting absolutely off my nut and banging as many men off tinder as I could. Thinking it would bring the attention I so desperately craved. It did not help my mind. It did not help my self esteem, but I spun this image that I didn’t care, I was free, sexually liberated.
I was not.
I take my hat off to any woman who undertakes whichever sexual proclivities they wish. Threesomes, orgies, dom, sum, abstinence, dating, celibacy, no sex before marriage, no marriage before sex – whatever you choose, you do you. I have absolutely zero judgement and will be front and centre cheering you on.
However, sexual liberation, one night stands, active sex life – this is not me. I realise this now. I spent so much time and energy basing my self-worth in who wanted me. ‘You want, therefore I am’ as the famous, Descarte once said. Right? It was something like that. I wasted YEARS on this. Thinking this sexuallly liberated identity would attract swathes of admirers.
Sweet Jesus. That thought process is FUCKED. Yet, it’s not uncommon. My girlfriends and I chat so much about the current boy we’re chatting to. ‘Why isn’t he replying?’ ‘Omg, he’s been online and not read my message’ ‘Why hasn’t he liked my most recent post?’ Even working as a group to help choose and curate our finest thirst-traps to gain said boys attention, for said boy to just gloss over it. Probably not even realising it was created purely to garner his attention.
Do you know how many nudes I’ve shared to my friends asking them to help me pick the best one to send to a boy who hasn’t text me in 4 days? Then, when they didn’t immediately ask me to be their girlfriend I spent days crestfallen. Getting drunk for 4-days-straight after a guy I’d dated for two weeks called it off. What even is that?
Now, I’m not saying I’m some born-again-self-righteous-above-it-all whatever. Today I’m exploring how, recently, I’ve noticed my past behaviour changing. (Previous me gasps in disbelief, as do most of my friends I expect).
I promised honesty when I started this blog. So honesty is what you’re going to get. Supported by a couple glasses of wine this evening.
Since I’ve started my travels I have fallen into old traps. I’ve met a few guys I’ve just fallen for. They may even be reading this now, if so ‘hiii’. I fell into old habits – checking if they were looking at my instagram story, finding any way to post something they might interact with, even walking 35 km in one day (on the camino) to catch a guy up. I had to have a word with myself. ‘No Meg *bashes self on nose with newspaper* you’re travelling to eat pray love yourself. Not to chase some guy you’ve known for all of 5 minutes and create a false reality in your mind of a relationship that is never going to happen.’
Well, lads, it’s happened. I’ve actually managed to extrapolate myself from old patterns. Kind of. In that I am noticing the pattern, and when you notice you can adjust. I’m not imaging false scenarios in my mind to get me to sleep – like the 30 year old version of a bedtime story. Instead I’m listening to white noise. Much healthier.
I’m understanding it’s not about these guys, it’s about me projecting on them. Me feeling lost in a foreign world and thinking I’ll find my place if these men validate me in a way I want. Their validation won’t do shit.
I also want to quell this bullshit idea ‘you won’t find love if you don’t love yourself’ this compounds the idea that people who are struggling aren’t worthy of love. When they are. Everyone is. So what I am trying to say is that I’m starting to truly feel that I don’t need to be receiving someone’s attention in order to affirm myself. I don’t need to fabricate a false image of myself to attract the opposite sex. What I need to do is confront the idea as to why am I so concerned with having the need for someone to ‘want’ me.
I don’t want to date, have one night stands, or any experience with either sex that has a focus on romantic or sexual relations. I am officially off the market. Not because ‘I need to love myself before someone else is going to love me’ but because for so long I’ve tried to fit into a mould that isn’t me. In my quest for trying to feel wanted, and basing it on someones else’s desire for me, all I was doing was putting that power into their hands. Hands of people, who in reality, didn’t give a fuck about how I felt about myself. Also, it’s really not their responsibility to make me feel any-which-way about myself. Good or bad. So, until I can reclaim that power for myself, I don’t want to tread old paths.
The win here though, is that instead of telling myself I need to stop past behaviour to feel better, I am actually wanting to avoid it. There’s no tussle here, no ‘but I want to chase that person’ – it’s simply something has clicked and there is no desire to anymore. Of course I still meet people and think, ‘oh yeah, you’re a bit of alright’ but now that’s where it’s stopping. I don’t want to ask them out, or post half-naked photos, or message them something that just ‘popped up’ (when in reality I’d been working on the nonchalant message for days).
By no means do I think this is the end, who knows tomorrow I could meet a guy I throw all this out the window for and chase within an inch of his life. Nonetheless, I am feeling that maybe I have been doing some good work on myself. Understanding triggers and reasons etc. which seems to be manifesting in less self destructive behavior.
I’ll keep you updated with how it goes.