The feeling of having so little access to anything for the next two weeks is exhilarating.
I’m finding this hard to write (and I’ve rewritten it too many times now) because it’s so fucking evident of my privilege. I can just hop to europe in my car, pack a little rucksack and go on a ‘spiritual walk’ knowing my possessions are there when I return, and I have a little plastic card that affords me to never really worry.
Privilege is privilege, but life events and mental state are real and they don’t discriminate. No matter how much money, or accessibility to things, you have people you love will still die, you can still get depression, or anxiety, or be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (that’s me btw. hi)
It’s mums birthday on Sunday, 25th October. Well it would have been. She’s been dead for 14 months now. It’s the second of her birthdays without her. Do they get easier? Who knows. I can’t remember the last and most likely won’t remember this one come next year. Maybe that’s the secret to it. Forgetting is the secret to not going mad about whether you are ‘progressing’ or ‘getting over it.’
So yes, I am unbelievably fucking lucky to be able to pack up and skip country with relatively little worry, but I’m not going to not use what I can to make myself better.
I donate monthly to certain charities, I’ve also donated sizeable portions of money to other causes. Which is all I’m saying on that.
What was meant to be a post on ‘being free from constraints of the western world’ has ended up in quite a different vein.
But. I’m not writing this for anyone else. Yeah, I share it and post it and people read it. But. This blog is for me, and what I want to write about. (Whilst letting those I love know that I am still alive)
It fucking sucks my mum is dead, and my brain is broken, and some of why my brain is broken is due to how my mum treated me as a kid, I do still love and miss her, this is not blaming her for anything. I am fucking lucky to be able to ‘eat pray love’ my way around Europe to sort my shit out. Not just mum stuff, also boy stuff, body image stuff, drug stuff, sleep stuff, you-name-it-it’s-that stuff.
So I’m taking these two weeks (and beyond) as a true experience into mindfulness. I am very aware my privilege is affording me that, and will always continue to be concerned with helping others in any way I can. Right now I need to help me, so thank you Mum for affording me to do this.